The Truth to Me

We Continue To Wish For It

2008-05-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

we continue to wish for it
(poem / 2008)

You will save me from my lonely jealousy!

and then you'll start the sabotage.
You'll be viciously unpredictable.
We'll cry for each other, she and I, and you'll love it.
You'll bind us! and break us! and slice us! and shake us!
    and we will write songs about it
    and smile knowingly, like idiots.
And you'll arrange for me to forget to call - a lot - (you're a pretty stressful emotion)
    and it'll make her cry
Once you've pushed those words past my teeth
    (I'LL LOVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME, BABY!)
        (And I'll never lie.)
            (or slip)

then you'll divide them and conquer me (you conquer all) (promises break easier alone)
and then, like a father teaching his child to swim in the town pool,
    you'll have already let go
        and left
            and now,
                in our fused two-ness,
                    i am so incredibly inextricably

                                                alone

                                                Save me again, love!

Digitalpoetry

2008-05-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

digitalpoetry
(poem / 2008)

i Appear black pixels
trapped cognition
crazed perfection
pretty words

i Become ever slowly
difficult metaphor
consonant dissonance
perfect worlds

i Create far away
overreaching thoughts
neverceasing wants
poignant waste

i unfortunately am without
purpose so
thus with
a click

i Die

If I Should Cry

2008-03-06T14:58:00.000-08:00

if i should cry
(poem / 2008)

If they let me come visit you there, I will, but if they don't
I guess I'll just have to keep on writing these letters. Blame
should  fall  only upon those who are wrong,  unlike  yourself.
Cry  if you need to, sister, but remember about the past: It's
before. Some people will carry it with them forever,  but  not
I  and  not you. Swim and let the memories drift off  in  your
wake  because  they don't matter unless you're  finding  fault.

I                                                          you
love                                                   forever.

Failed Fifteen

2008-02-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

failed fifteen
(poem / 2008)

Fifteen years and habits form
Lightning pops and songs can break
I am the one who caused this storm
Fifteen more years and hearts still ache

To be at fault is to give in
or so life's competitions teach
To win! to fight! to go down struggling
that's all my mind can seem to reach

That word called "sorry" never matters
(at least not following "goodbye")
I'm sick of following these patterns
It's too clichéd to turn back time

What happens when a winner loses?
The game just never goes away
For what my confidence refuses
I can't deny, I'm scared to pray

Writer's Aftermath

2008-02-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

writer's aftermath
(poem / 2007)

When I got back from my room
((which had been quietly and unstoppably reigning over me
like a lover - the way i loved a girl once -
seductively letting me leave and expecting me back)
I found the rest of the world was all too real...
it hadn't really missed me too much; anyway,
hundreds of candy wrappers sit mob-style on a side table
there's Christmas lights strewn all over the floor
clothes claim areas of the floor and inch toward each other like floodwaters rising over islands
the keyboard, now superseded, sits in a reveredly empty section
of the gray carpet (a novel's been through it so it earned some prestige)
the eight-inch cable-ready tv, the '90s stereo relic, the blankets, cables, telephones, cds, books, books upon books, notebooks, dr. pepper cans, stuffed animals i pretend i don't still have, chairs, bed, the duct tape book, pen, ipod, skin, muscle, bone.
These things clamor to be paid attention,
(they're lonelier than i am) and they abound like tides rising and failing
will i ever leave for good?),
I sighed.

My Refrain

2007-12-16T10:56:00.000-08:00

My Refrain (or Symphonies in Minor Keys)
(poem / 2007)

My refrain, you came to be
a chorus free of sympathy,
you proved me wrong and sang along
with songs that laughed at poor old me.
Ne'er forgetting pride and pain
you took my word with true disdain.
But disbelief was not relief,
nor kissing (badly) in the rain.
And then there came along what seemed
to be the grand escape you'd dreamed
In love with two and hating one,
your mind and judgment double-teamed
and overtook your bleeding soul.
You knew there was some gaping hole,
my logic's flawed, there's a reason somewhere
those sleepless bedtimes took their toll.
My verses started losing rhyme
Your patience ticked right out of time
There came a spell where sure as hell
love wasn't worth a damn or dime.
And as the rhythm slipped next from
our song like tongue-tossed bubble gum,
the words meant less, the tone digressed,
the angels kindly ceased to hum.
Stuck now in weird cacophony,
I tried for what was left of me
but having loved you in the wrong,
I'd nothing left to make you see.
You saw through me and I through you,
our secrets hiding what was true
Love and words were not enough
to turn a midnight sky to blue.
And therefore in new clarity
you thrust yourself away from me.
And though the rain drowned my refrain
I won't forget the melody.

Good People

2007-10-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

good people
(poem / 2007)

don't ever wait around for good people to show up
         because good people have good lives
                 and they're out living them
                        yeah, they'll help
                              but you
                                have
                                  to
                                 ask
                               or they
                             will never
                          know that you
                      are in pain because
                    in a shocking world the
                happiest people are the blind
              so don't expect them to see you
          the hourglass will tick tick tick tick tick
                                                   and
                                                        perhaps
                                                                    leak

Reflections

2007-10-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

reflections
(poem / 2006)

What is the price of love?
Why can I feel so strong one day
and then see your face in a crowd
and be so helpless?
Was it worth a year of bliss
for a lifetime of reminders that it’s gone?
I love her, but it’s just not the same
as knowing that you loved me back
Without having to hear you say it
I guess she doesn’t know what love is
the way we knew, like knowing how to breathe
Sometimes I think about calling you
and how maybe if things were different
You’d be sitting here with me now
We’re gonna live our lives apart, I know
But I still catch myself staring into streetlights
looking for the fire in your eyes
I have to call you by your name now
But I still want to say Baby it’s okay
because to me we didn’t break up
To me you passed away,
ascended out of my life.
You were too good for me last time we spoke
I’m better now, but I’ll never forget
The silence in your throat when I told you who the real me was
I heard you choke on your broken idea of love
Even though you pretended to cough, I know you were just lost for words
And I’m sorry now.
I hope you find the one you’re meant for
And I’ll never forget you, until we meet again in heaven
But for your love, first love, I’ll never be the same
I guess that’s the risk we take
She doesn’t know what love is;
Love is change.

Where Friends Go

2007-10-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

a/n: The first part of this is a quote, verbatim, from a joint blog with me and seven friends as authors. The second part is a reflection on what happened to them in the one year, one month, and eighteen days that followed.

where friends go
(reality / 2007)

August 22, 2006
"Idk what 9th grade is gonna do to us but i hope i pray we will all stay friends even if we do wind up going in separate directions cuz idk where i would be without u ppl but it definitely wouldnt be where i am now and i know this sounds kinda random but its like 2am and im txting this from my phone in the dark and stuff. Yeah. Peace to evry1 and i hope we can all chill b4 school starts and the change sets in cuz u never know who will have let go when the dust settles but ill keep the chains locked for you guys."

October 9, 2007
one moved to jersey; i'm sorry we never reconciled
one broke up and we barely spoke again; i'm sorry for everything
one i spoke to twice in the last year or so; i'm sorry for overreacting
one i only see in gym class; i'm sorry we all treated you wrong
one i can hardly even find; i'm sorry we drifted apart
one i see every day; i'm sorry i make fun of you so much
one i see less and less; i'm sorry for what hasn't been yet, i'll tell you next october

The Game

2007-10-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

the game - revised
(poem / 2006)

The game we play, it has no name
It kills behind the mask of fame
And none are blind to its ancient flame
For countless graves have players to blame
Your mind it will so quickly maim
As the losers sink into silent shame
For Death the losers' souls will claim
But the winner is he who escapes the Game.

...Hero

2007-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

a/n:
Normally I don't write author's notes, but the circumstances seem to imply that I should: I am aware that the publication of the following poem will seriously offend a particular person, and I would just like to point out in my defense that it was the last poem I had a chance to write her, and therefore she probably didn't like it all that much anyway. It is reproduced here only for its poetic value, and not for sentiment.
This is a response, immediately to a poem of her composition, and also indirectly to a letter which used the term 'hero'.

you called me once your hero
(poem / 2007)

of unwritten symphonies in minor keys.
and it sounded like a familiar refrain
I heard your heart beat
of the end,
and just when I thought it was the beginning
we fell in love.
and I was enchanted by your ways.
delighted by my accent,
you were a foreign beauty
when that planet was no more...
homeless, I landed here
unwritten symphonies in minor keys.
everybody who lived there could see
whose mind is his krypton?
a superman,
you call me a hero...

ABC for the Streets

2007-10-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

abc for the streets
(rap / 2007)

[on the first beat of each line, the audience shouts out the next letter in the alphabet]

all these angry adolescents abusin they alcohol
babies bein born wit beef against the law
congregations coppin cars to corner their crooked cops
dangerous drug dealers dont care when their daddy drops
every element of evidence eventually erased
fight your failure wit fire before that fire finds your face
godless gangstas gettin gats that turn girls into ghosts
halleluias turn to hatred of the high heavenly hosts
identity is ice, and ideas are illegal to the
jury of the justified - the gangsta regal
kids keep on gettin killed cuz their knife aint worth a gun
liars live longer cuz a liars work is never done
mindless money makes you mad but marijuana makes you high
never need another reason to live but to stay alive, the
only option is just never let nobody fool you twice, cuz a
persons not a player till somebody pays the price
(Q) - quiet.

Untitled: Poetry Slam '07

2007-10-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

untitled: poetry slam '07 - revised
(slam poem / 2007)

theyre tellin each other stories
bout how my life's just a bore? please.
just cuz i don't fit into their categories?
they don't know shit about the bullets i've bit
all the times i gave up so theyd think that i fit
into their stupid social scheme
their segregated dream
i would die before id give up and be part of their team
so they can talk behind my back
bout the skills they think i lack
theyre just jealous of my mind and how i don't need crack
so they can sit there
and bear witness to this crime
they didnt know who i was
they didnt know i could rhyme
but thats fine cuz we all know there will come a time
when im on the top and those bitches aint got a dime
but till then i wanna make one thing clear
this aint the season finale its the series premiere
i will never back down
i will never show fear
cuz this aint just some freestyle that im spittin here
this is truth (hard as a diamond and sharp as a knife)
and i aint stoppin tomorrow you know im in this for life
so whatever those haters thought i was trying to be
this is a public declaration: you cant stop me.

Haters

2007-10-11T19:45:00.001-07:00

Haters
(poem / 2006)

The haters told me I'd never be
anyone
They look down on me
and talk about me
and laugh! at me
But Regardless
of what they do or
say
I will pay them no mind
I give them only fifty-three words
to let them know they
haven't
stopped me and they
never
will.

Fortissimo

2007-10-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

fortissimo
(poem / 2007)

the piano knows my secrets
it does
i've spent years and hours screaming at it
thru the thin blood-white flesh in my hands
as if i were a teacher
burning ideas to its keys
maybe so i can forget them myself
?
screaming
     silently
         soundlessly
              soulfully
                   strandedly
                        softly
                             slowly
                                  shiftingly
                                       solidly
                                  soulfully
                             strandedly
                        strangely
                   stupidly
              singing
         sensing
    shrieking
screaming
?
maybe so i can forget them myself
burning ideas to its keys
as if i were a teacher
thru the thin blood-white flesh in my hands
i've spent years and hours screaming at it
it does
the piano knows my secrets

Poser

2007-10-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

poser
(poem / 2007)

she (oh, that she were still mine)
struts (ugly word, that is)
down (dangerously far)
the runway (it's really just a hallway at school. don't tell her.)
and strikes (just like an arsonist)
a lifestyle.

Ghost

2007-10-01T16:12:00.001-07:00

Ghost
(poem / 2007)

How sweet the wind, the rushing wind
That strived my soul to be
And merciless the hurricane
That has become of me

As the Door Closed

2007-10-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

as the door closed
(poem / 2007)

and the crickets chorused her words
and the symphonies in minor keys
stayed so beautifully unwritten
one millioncrickets and two spoken words
emotion disguised by their beauty
she must stay elegant
sophisticated
she could never have pierced the night with
I LOVE YOU!!
so she faltered
and whispered
as the first tear reached her lips
merry christmas

The Reason

2007-10-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Reason
(haiku / 2007)

To love is to change
So we fear that which we love
Therefore, we divorce